The baby started screaming the evening we came home from the hospital. We had never experienced anything like it. We played a guessing game everyday of 'what could be wrong with Katie?'.Dave was able to take three weeks off, which temporarily saved my sanity. During those first three weeks we were able to switch back and forth with who got to hold the baby, because God forbid we lay her down. There were not too many day time naps, and the nights were awful. Katie would literally scream for hours at night, sometimes from 6-11pm...solid, non-stop screaming. Nothing worked to calm this baby. Eating, swinging, walking, changing diaper...nothing worked.
We went to the doctor three times in two weeks and I called every day in between visits. First we were given drops for colic...no change at all. Then, we were given Zantac and Lactalose...diagnosis of reflux and constipation. Oh the joys of parenthood!
The medicines seemed to be helping but there was still screaming, a lot of ear piercing screaming. Then the day came when Dave had to go back to work. Seriously, you're leaving me?!
I felt like a prisoner in my home, specifically to my bedroom. I would spend so much time pacing my room trying to get Katie to sleep, and to stop crying.
Did I mention I also have a four year old who needs attention too? Talk about my mom guilt being at it's highest. There were so many hours I spent trying to comfort the baby while shooing Sarah out of the room so she wouldn't see me crying out of frustration.
Thank God for my family who would take Sarah out for the day, or even better, a sleepover.
After receiving advice from a friend I switched Katie to soy formula. Again, my guilt was at an all time high. I breastfed Sarah for four months, it had only been a month for Katie. How unfair, right?
The soy formula made a difference almost immediately. I can't believe we hadn't thought of it sooner. Sarah was allergic to my milk when she was an infant, that's why I switched her to formula. I guess my brain quit working from all the crying!
At six weeks old, Katie was starting to make a turn for the better. Don't get me wrong, there was still that ear piercing screaming, but it seemed the formula was helping.
Around this time you might think I was doing back flips. Instead, I was still crying. It had become a daily thing for me. I would cry when I had to pace with Katie, I would cry when I couldn't play with Sarah, I would cry when Katie would cry for three hours in the evening. I just cried!
One night Dave had seen enough. He texted my mom and asked for her to call me. He needed someone to calm me down and give me some comfort.
Through my tears, my mom was giving me the advice to call my doctor and ask him for medication. The people who love me most could see me struggling and knew I needed help. I wasn't thrilled about the idea, I had never been on any kind of depression medication before. I felt like it would be taking the easy way out, why couldn't I handle this baby on my own?
That night, Dave took care of Katie while I slept. The next morning, I asked Dave to call the doctor for me. I still felt a sense of pride and to me, calling the doctor was a sign of weakness.
I have been on 50mg of Zoloft for five weeks now. I can't believe what a difference it has made. The biggest thing I have noticed is my ability to remain calm during Katie's crying fits. My guilt over sharing my attention between my two girls has subsided as well. My doctor recommended staying on Zoloft for three months and then slowly cut back.
The emotions that come out after having a baby are no joke! I encourage any woman experiencing similar struggles to call her doctor. There is no shame in taking medication to get you through a rough time. I know where I was; physically, mentally, and emotionally and I know I'm in a much better place now.
